1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
