I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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