My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
