Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
this just has baby written all over it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
