would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
