Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
