I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I love having hate sex.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
