My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
