i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just tell him i said nine months
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
