The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...