I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
