the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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