So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
