Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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