"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I wish there were birth control emojis
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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