just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
