im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
