you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
