Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
