Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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