thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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