I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
