I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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