New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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