my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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