i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
