The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
