Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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