having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
zippers are such a cool invention
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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