we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"