sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.