It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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