I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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