remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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