got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
