I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
