I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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