He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
