When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
