grandma shit on top of the toilet
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
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Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...