omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
