Ambien. No doubt about it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
