but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
