getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
