I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
