The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sober January is a disaster.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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