i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He kissed a someone with a penis
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
