ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
