Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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