Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
