i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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