no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
