I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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