saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
