Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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