Do you still have your period?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
