i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
