Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
